At 24 I had an experience which revealed the wound my mother’s death had marked (12 years earlier). At this time I was made aware of the tremendous impact this trauma was having on my overall health and wellbeing. The path towards balance has opened up a world of interesting and inspiring avenues. With this post I hope to help in raising the spirits of those currently riding this incredibly painful event as it rips any sense of permanence you may have into shreds. Sending you courage, love and many blessings.
1. GRIEVE
It is so important to grieve immediately following a death of someone close. Many religions have their own rituals for this, for instance wearing black, not shaving or listening to music for a set time, lighting a memorial candle, reciting prayers within the community or with family and so on. It is useful to allow yourself this time to fully engage with and in the grieving process. Losing a loved one, was the day you SURVIVED. Within this grieving period totally allow and permit yourself, whatever your age, to yearn, miss and mourn the loss. Mourning is an important process to follow and flow within. The Heart is deeply effected by sadness, and in order to feel whole again, we must permit this time for mourning to acknowledge the deep loss in our Heart and then engage with the healing process, listening to what it asks from us.
It is important however to always hold onto the reality that the loss is much harder for those left behind than for the soul crossing the thresh-board into Gods hands. Your loved one is totally at peace, totally liberated and totally fine. It is you who is suffering. Dion Fortune's 'Book of the dead' is a great read in this time.
2. PRAY
I often wish I had prayed more when my mother died. Dion Fortune in 'The Book of The Dead' teaches that when someone dies we can actually help by praying for them. This helps in their passage and also eases the Heart. Whatever your spiritual inclination, now is a great time to pray. Praying for your loved one keeps you connected, involved and present. Sending love and well wishes on their journey feels natural to you. Connecting to spirituality opens a new way of perceiving, interacting and experiencing the world. Prayer is a fantastic gateway into this. A good book to read at this time is Wayne Dyer's ; 'There Is a Spiritual Solution to Every Problem'.
Through prayer and faith we have hope. With hope we are no longer in despair and darkness withers its hardness when there is light.
3. KEEP A DIARY
Keeping a diary is a useful way to express emotions and allow any anger, fear and resentment around the death to fall away. I have written a lot over the years. Your diary is a safe space, you can express however you feel, you can keep or burn things, read or discard them. This is a truly cathartic practise. The creative expression can be totally free, drawing shapes or colours, abstract or detailed images. Allow the many expressions to move through you without becoming blocked or repressed.
In the privacy of your diary you are free to express whatever you honestly think and feel.
4. REACH OUT
There is only so much we can take on our own. As the expression goes; A problem shared is a problem halved. You don't need to handle this alone, talk to someone. Whether it is a friend with a good ear, a therapist or your religious community leader, find someone to talk to about death. Perhaps a friend who can relate from their experience, or a spiritual teacher who can share ideas about Death and Life After Death. You could also join a support group and definitely read lots of useful literature or listen to talks on youtube (from stories about death, to exploring different religious ideas about the soul's passage).
Realise you are not alone in your suffering. The Buddha was once asked by a frantic woman (Kisa) to please help her with medicine for her baby. The Buddha could see the baby was already dead, but that the woman couldn't see it. So he instructed her ...
“Kisa, if you want to make some medicine, you must have some mustard seeds, go into town and ask at each house, but you must only accept seeds from a house in which no one has died.”
Of course, after going through the town she realised that death has reached every door, every family, every corner of every part of the world. She came back to the Buddha and told him so, and he reminded her ... 'that plants grow in the spring, flower in the summer, and die in the winter - and that new plants grow the following year. Similarly, people are born and eventually die'. Kisa could fully understand now that this was just as things are.
5. GROW
Once some time has eclipsed in your being since the passing, and life seems to be going back to normal, maybe one year, two years, five years, twelve years, it doesn't matter. When some time has passed and things start to cool off in your Heart, you've grieved, mourned, prayed, expressed the pain, and reached out for help and support from others you can begin to make positive ripples. For instance, doing a sponsored walk for a charity close to the situation, sharing your story to support others, volunteering in a place you can help other people who are suffering. Turning the situation around with positive actions in the present is a great way of moving forward.
The point is that everyone dies. It’s tragic, sad and unbearable that it has happened to you. But God only gives us challenges we can handle, some-how we handle it, and better more we grow from it. We become more switched on to the inherent impermanence in everything. The constant becoming and dying of everything in existence. We are grateful to have had such wonderful people, who gave us life, inspired us and cared for us. Death is part of life, it is unavoidable and it is not the end. Their passing is just nature in action. Have courage, and allow yourself to miss and connect to your loved one whenever you need to. Look for the opportunity to grow and evolve from this situation. Through your own experience and healing you will be of great use to many others who are going through this process.
References
Dion Fortune ; Book of the Dead
Wayne Dyer ; There is a spiritual solution to every problem
Buddha Quote from clearvision ; https://www.clear-vision.org/Schools/Students/Ages-4-7/story-of-Kisa.aspx
Recommended
Dr Moody ; Life after Life
Richard Simonetti ; Who is afraid of Death?
Sogyal Rin Poche ; The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying
Thomas Merton ; The Seven Storey Mountain
Alan Kardec ; The Spirits Book
